All that is left

"Blood
boiling in my veins
only feeling that remains

Hatred
blinding my eyes
numbness being its disguise

And it all is just in vain

Death
waiting for us
all shall fall
-no more-

Pain fester inside
forevermore

It all ends tonight"

(c)MS11

Darkness

The darkness got a spark of light
light remained for a moment
made home there, stood a little while
until, it slowly faded
 
The longing, the lust, everything unseen was
 left behind and will never leave
never leave

It was something too good to be true
it was not meant to stay 
The darkness craves what belongs within
 ...there i stray...

From outside everything is seen
walking alone, vanish, in me the
 feelings are fading away, away
 ...Inside the darkness I stay.... 

 (c)MAO11

Today when I was driving my car at quite early morning, and I was really sleepy, the one band that got me more awake was Drudkh. You know, that Ukrainian metal band that mixes elements of folk and black metal.
Their lyrical contents embrace Slavic mythology, seasons and poetry. Many of the band's lyrics are derived from the works of nineteenth- and twentieth-century Ukrainian poets, especially Taras Shevchenko.

That was really cool thing to listen, when had the right songs, while driving at foggy finnish country side. The mist on the woods and fields, the road that seems it has been there for ages... First rays of slowly rising sun through purple clouds.... In one word, it was magical. Especially when the next song was by My Shameful.

After that it was a bit difficult to come back to this reality. I wouldn't mind to stay there, in that silent dream-like empty timeless space. Lacking everything reality has.

Then, another band that usually cheers me up quite lot, is Skepticism. That is kinda funny, because it is sort of depressive doom, but then again, I really enjoy listening to it. That gives another great paint for me to use it on that little world of mine.

As my name is Scapegoat, i find it amusing a great band called Forgotten Tomb  has a song called The Scapegoat (from albun Negative Megalomania, 2007). I was laughing at it until i listened it. What a great song! But words were those that did cut my heart.

How the hell can that fit so great in the shitty part of my life too? Or is it only that some people have the talent to write of their own experiences in such a way everyone can relate to it? At least I did. I listened it few times in a row, and then took the lyrics infront of me.  If someone doesn't know the song, I put lyrics here.


The Scapegoat

They want to force me in the corner once again
When I was thinking there was difference between us and them
A bird with its wings nailed to the ground
Waiting for the justice that I never found

I'm just the scapegoat for you all
To brush away the dirt from your rotten souls

When friendship's a lie, and life's a fragile dream
I struggle so much, but my hate remains unseen

I'm just the scapegoat for you all
I'm just the scapegoat for you all

It's so easy to talk when you're not walking in my shoes
Try to be like I am for 1 day, and see what would be left of you

I look in the past and I can't see a single face I would still call friend
Just don't forget sooner or later all lies come to an end

They want to enjoy my end, they wait for my defeat
I'm really sorry buddies, I'm still on my feet
I've been cast in tears and blood
I've been treated like a dog
Not their fake pathetic lives
Not their sickening disguise

I'm just the scapegoat for you all
To brush away the dirt from your rotten souls

When all seems to be wrong, there's a place where I find myself
In my sea of distrust, I am sure I don't need any help

I'm just the scapegoat for you all
I'm just the scapegoat for you all

It's so easy for them to judge the life of others
They're all made of the same poisoned blood
They would even sell their mothers

I look in the future and I know I won't make the same mistakes
I know someday things will be different and with scorn I will piss on your graves

Band: Forgotten Tomb
Album: Negative Megalomania
Year:2007


That touched me deeper than it should've. But i love the song, whole song as it is.

I am listening to it at this moment too, and I have a pretty strong feeling I will have few drinks with it when evening and darkness comes to join me, again.

Pain.

Pain, that creation of Peter Tägtgren, is having some gigs in Finland. And one is here so close I was about to go there.

I saw Pain once before, 2009, and I really liked that show. Now, since the new album is out, and Peter promised the show will be something unseen, I really wanted to go.

My typical luck is that everything I try, goes totally wrong. This time I have to give up and hope I will see Pain later, and tonight I will have a shot, and listen some Pain here at home.

My first Pain album was Dancing With The Dead and that was a blast. Soon I had them all, well, but one, and that I got a week ago. In so many songs I can relate to, and with some hard stuff going on, it has been great to hear Peter scream instead of me. He's had quite hard stuff, and that can be heard, really.

Follow Me is a song that i like a lot too. Because of its pace, lyrics, Anette in it and the video too is so great. Every song tells a story and some parts of everyone's life they perfectly fit.

I really hope the gig is as awesome I imagine it is, and hopefully I can go next time.

Even more metal, without handcuffs this time

Totalselfhatred.

Really not much more to say.
I found that piece of art a while ago and just immetiately fell in love with it. Especially one specific song hit me so hard it came to my dreams too. I would say so if have the words. Or the ability to put them in such a form.

Nothing more to say. If you don't know it, go and listen to it.

A Week Full Of Metal

I just can't believe how fast last week went and I was left totally behind. Weather has been both sunny and rainy, but in my little world it has been pleasurably dark. So nice and warm, and just great for giant metal round.

I am lucky to have friends who are into metal music, they have been priceless in many ways, but also introducing new bands for me. Since I am no good with computers and my net is difficult in every way imaginable, without them I would've miss a lot.

I've always loved metal, and when I was teen I was the only one in my family to do that, it was quite hard when Metallica was too much for them. Through many roads in my life I've found few bands standing next to me no matter what. From softer to harder, to every feeling and situation there's just right ones to listen to.

Nightwish is one of my first loves, and it is really important to me still. Pain is one of the most listened bands in my car. Ensiferum represents another side of me and Thy Serpent is a new companion.  And just to say few others, one of my recent discoveries is Colosseum. Funeral doom is what that little dark world of mine has missed so long.

One I truly got attracted on, was Draconian.  I really can't say why, but I did. As on Enochian Cresent and Nortt too.  Xasthur and Novembers Doom really got my interest, and Paganus is what I need when things are not going as they should. And if I'm feeling something troll-like, I sat in darkness (as usual) and listen to Thergothon, so soft and dark growling. Evoken fits then too.

These are few bands I have taken with me, and with them I paint my little world slowly in the shape I desire.
I will tell more when the time is right, now I go to swim in that world again.

Metal and too much sun

It is autumn, oh yeah. Air is cooling down and leaves are falling. The scent of winter tries to sneak in. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate summer, but I prefer a little bit cooler weather. I am not meant to live in heat, if anything, this I have learned. Well, I wouldn't  mind if that too wet and muddy rainy season would go really fast.

Another reason for me to enjoy cooler weather is that I can wear my hoodies. And long trousers and jeans. All black, of course. It is The Most comfortable color for me. But today this day, this beautiful sunday hit me straight to my face laughing hard.

Morning was just a typical august morning here on northern part of Finland, cool and foggy. I was happy to wear my favourite clothes again, since we were about to visit a familyfriend of ours. Day went on and I listened some Draconian and Colosseum, well,  I tried to. My computer sometimes has a dissenting opinion of the importance of me listening metal music.

In afternoon we went to visit this friend, and after having coffee we sat outside enjoying the weather. Then suddenly, the sun decided to let us enjoy even more, and sent us the last summer-like warmth. Temperature rose and rose, wind was really warm too. And I wore all black. Others sat in their little t-shirts, I had my beloved hoodie, which I don't take off until it is 30 c's or so. So there I sat all sweaty and shoot it was hot! I know I shouldn't complain since soon we all shall miss those kind of  warm days. 

Maybe the sun don't like the habit of mine to wear hoodies even in summer. Or maybe it was just meant to  happen right today, since I am not thinking too much of myself. Anyway, my mistake totally, I know.

So I keep wearing black hoodies in any weather and listening metal. No sun or even my computer can say otherwise.

But that heat strike was personal. I am sure of it.

Handcuffs, Metal and other saturdayeve activities

Do you know how it hurts, when handcuffs pinch your skin?
I do. It does hurt. But what it looks like afterwards, is another story.

A week ago I was visiting my friend. He is a guard and thus, has handcuffs. Not those cheap ones easy to break, but real ones. And yes, I needed to test how it feels to be cuffed. Unfortunately, since there was dark and few drinks may have something to do with it, his demonstration didnt go as well as planned, and he pinched the skin from my wrist with those cuffs. It did hurt a lot, but was nothing compared to what was to come, when the blood started to pack in that little bladder there with no way to come out.

Well, as a very imaginative person I thought if the blood comes away, the pain goes away too. It did, after I pierced it, but giving it another thought now,  I am pretty sure it looked like some rite there (without being one of course.) And the amount of that blood there was amazing. Few shots of Jägermeister eased it a lot. And more doom metal.

The following days were fun to see the bruise proceed and finally disappear. And the little scar in my wrist reminds me of one great saturday eve with new metal bands (for me), and the pain always following it in my mind. To my friends, that little event can give something to tease me with for years to come.

But one thing is sure. I mean,  next time someone suggests me something with handcuffs, it is better to be something much more pleasurable. With metal music of course.